Change

Tags

change, Grey's, hope

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive.

I’d forgotten what it was like to not try to escape from this bubble all the time. I promised myself that I would never let me put myself in that bubble.

I didn’t think George O’Malley could do it, but he did.

Things I forget:

1. Let go. Channel your overactive imagination and direct it towards something productive. There’s a world that exists outside of your head.

2. Do things wholeheartedly (without a hint of resentment, just love.)

Boys, bubbles and balance

Drawn by Chay Lazaro!

Balance will forever be the key to a meaningful life. Which will always be the goal. Meaning, I mean. And that will only happen if I do things with and for love. Hence, the photo. (click for more!)BobbyGuev will never cease to remind me to love. First. More. Those who need loving. (I’ve always wanted to write about my BGuev experience, but I feel words won’t ever suffice) The boys in my life aka father and boyfriend.

That is the career + life mission. I am generally happy with my job. I’m learning too much in too little time. And I love that! I don’t ever want my days to be a waste. But for that to happen, I must. Not. Be. A. Workaholic.

And these are the short term goals. I resolve to tick off at least 5 items in a list like this, every single day. Which is why I should revive my planner/journal.

Such a random post. I am sick (again hahahaha damn) and not sleepy, but will sleep to prepare for 2 shoots tomorrow!

Much love,

G

(hahahahaha bongga!)

At this moment

by Bea E,

it’s been a while since I’ve had to, but this is what I immediately turn to during times like these

and right now, I really, really had to.

I don’t feel at all selfless at the moment

 

 

 

And I wish you the best, I guess

Tags

everybody knows, love, thoughts, you

I feel so pathetic right now. These days I spend most of my waking hours at work, hardly thinking about him, but as soon as I get out of the office my first instinct is always to call him and let him know I’m on my way home. I feel like even if I love that I’m busy and generally happy career-wise, at the end of the day I still feel like a sad, needy, immature girl when it comes to my personal life. (I almost typed gurl. Haha )
I’m just feeling really sorry for myself and hating the fact that I feel like I’m just built this way and it’s always going to be a struggle to let go. I don’t know if it’s because he ends up outweighing everything else in my sick mind, I just feel so stuck and alone and useless.

I tell myself I don’t need anyone but I do, I really do, and I’m sick of this neediness. It’s one of those sadvulnerablepathetic moments when I overthink and overreact and attempt reverse psychology and become vindictive and think evil thoughts and I. Am. So. Sick. Of. My. Dramatic. Self. Parati nalang ako nangangaway. I sometimes think it’s just my way of telling him–hey, pay attention to me.

So I guess it’s because I’m afraid that if I don’t, he won’t. Maybe I’m just insecure deep down in my bones and I can’t help but ask myself if I trust him enough in that sense. You know, to notice when I’m not around. Miss me when I’m not there.

Sometimes I think I can change, I want to change, I need to change. There’re also times like these, the worst of times, when I’m exhausted and defeated and I try to see myself, free of this. And I just imagine what it would be like with someone else. Which is never really gonna solve the problem, I know. Of course. And that’s just me being bitter and resentful–again.

And then I remember that quote, which goes something like, ‘Even if someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have’ (BAROK BA OR WHAT)

Which hurts. And I hate myself for thinking that. Every time this happens I need to remind myself never to forget why I’m here in the first place. Why I need to think straight even when I’m brimming with emotion (and tears and negativity and insecurity), be kind when I feel resentful, give and give and give even when I feel like my heart’s as hard as a rock, love even when I’m hurt, and let go. Just let everything go.

I don’t know if I can-

sick

Tags

sick diaries

I trudged (no not really, I took a cab) to work today with my congested nose & heavy lidded eyes. I miss the cut system of college, but that’s just another reminder from life that I’m a grown-up now. Whoopdeedoo. Hahahaha. I owe this pessimism to 4 and a half days of being stuck at home. On my bed. Asleep longer than I was awake. It feels like the flu without the fever, and I feel awful about leaving work extraextraextra! early today. I know I am rambling but I just wanted to say how much I love my boss. For letting me off early (and only asking me to write a short quiz-cum-article for her other magazine in exchange for doing so, and allowing me to take my work home todayf) for feeling under the weather (like 5000 miles under the deepest abyss under). And for being a fierce doll. She is adorable. I will elaborate soon, because I will blog about work as soon as I’m done being sick. Right now I’m getting dizzy and dizzier because I can’t breathe due to this congestion. Goodnight.

Blogging fail

I’m back. Haha.

Instead of applying for a job, fixing my room, acting like an adult and having a real life, I’ve been:

• my nocturnal self — sleeping at 6am-ish every day
• trying to stay fit biking with G, jogging, planning to do Hiphop Abs (in the safety of my own room, at night while no one’s awake)
• enjoying being an unemployed bum
• downloading the Sims 2 & all its expansion packs (hihi)
• looking for ebooks to read since I haven’t saved up for real books since… forever (LIFE!)
• editing, compiling, arranging my photos, since I’ve taken photos every day this year, hence my unofficial Project 365! Which shall be the main feature of this blog. Mmm.
• downloading all kinds of applications – productivity, project management things for this computer (for some semblance of an organized and productive life? which has yet to start)

It’s 3:35 AM, and I just downloaded this app called Poladroid, and got all excited about it, polaroid-izing my favorite photos from the past few days

See my (cluttered, unorganized) desktop:

Photos from grad practice, Blue Roast, Graduation, grad dinner, VV’s birthday

It’s such a fun app! It makes cute shutter sounds, and your most recently developed shots appear on your desktop (while Poladroid is open) AND AND AND the best part is – you wait for the photos to “develop” like real polaroid prints! See how the photos on the right  (the ones without the red tags) are darker, as if they’re still in the process of drying up! Download Poladroid here!

I am so easily amused. I should sleep. And photoblog properly tomorrow.

I promise to blog tomorrow

Home from VV’s goodvibes birthday celebration! <3 GVSSS night!

I will seriously start blogging tomorrow. For now, a photo -

VV, Litz, Furbs & I (Lita’s camera, thanks to Iggy for the photo, post-processed by me hihi)

Off to indulge in my latest guilty pleasure – the Sookie Stackhouse Chronicles! (aka the books True Blood &hearts; was based on)

Mmm.

Tags

blogging, newbeginnings, selfishly

Hello. I’m gabyhappy. Formerly known as selfishly.